Give It Back, AIG, Give It Back!!

President Barack Obama
The White House
Washington, DC

Dear President Obama,

How easy is it to get money back you've lost?

If the person who finds it is an especially Good Samaritan, chances are pretty good. We all love those stories about the found wallets, bags of cash, whatever.

In the case of the AIG bonuses, I don't think it's going to be quite as easy as you and all the politicians who are making promises think it will be. Sure, you can levy special taxes but let's not forget one important fact.

The folks who got those hefty checks are going to be just as fervent about keeping the cash as we are about retrieving it. And by now, they've had plenty of warning that you're pissed and may try to reach into their pockets.

Wouldn't it be better if those bonus-takers just decided to return the money out of the goodness of their hearts? Here are several pursuasive strategies for achieving that mindset:

--Bring them to the White House and ask them to "give it up" for the good of the country. Better yet, invite the networks to watch you shame them. Make sure there's plenty of b-roll of starving children, people losing their homes and other sorrowful scenes to run while you're chatting with them.
--Promise IRS audits for the past five or ten years and for the rest of the individual's life until the money is returned.
--Send building inspectors crawling all over their homes and businesses (I'm sure your buddy Mayor Daley could spare a few of his toughest inspectors. Give them each a fifth of Scotch and they'll be happy to help.).
--Have Immigration carefully scrutinize their domestic help.
--Scrutinize every single one of their financial transactions ("Excuse me, Mr. Car Dealer, I'm with the IRS...are you sure you want to sell a Maserati to that man?").
--Search their children's school lockers on a regular basis and insist on jail time for any contraband (if you wish, sell the guns and drugs you find and use the money to pay down the debt).
--Install GPS trackers on all their cars and follow them intermittently. Never know when and where they might be spending their ill-gotten swag.
--And finally, my favorite, the coup de gras: Flag their passports and require rectal exams every time they leave and return to the country.

Hope these suggestions help.

Good luck with the puppy!

Doug