Buffoons of Crime and Religion

I know it's going to surprise many of my thousands of loyal readers but, in the interests of fairness, I must admit I have been called a buffoon once or twice in my life.

That said, I would like to point to several others who have taken bufoonery to way, way higher levels.

There are the two winners who reportedly conspired to kill the ex-girlfriend of one of them in Darien, Illinois last week. Dumb alledgedly convinced Dumber to hammer through a window into the exes parents' home and go on a shooting spree. Dumber alledgedly killed the exes parents and her brother. Fortunately, he missed the ex and a couple of others.

Police rounded up Dumb and Dumber shortly thereafter and even taped them bitching at each other after their arrests. They could and should face the death penalty. In fact, in Doug's World, they'd just be taken out in back, shot in the head, and dumped in a sewer.

Same for the two evidently criminal masterminds who alledgedly conspired to burn down a Cicero, Illinois apartment building for the insurance money. Cops busted the two of them last week. Mastermind Number One reportedly told Mastermind Number Two, "Set the fire in the afternoon when the kids are at school." The apartment building went up in flames at 6:30 one morning and the fire killed seven people, including children and even a newborn.

And then we come to my favorite Buffoons: a family of them, in fact. I call them the Phlegms. They are members of a religious cult, led by the Rev Pherd Phlegm, in my opinion one of the more aggressively evil bastards of our time. The Phlegms claim God hates homosexuals and they take their message, in particular, to the funerals of those who have died in the service of our country. The U.S. Supreme Court announced today that it will hear the appeal of a case filed against Rev. Phlegm and his snot-nosed crew. The lower court and a court of appeals denied the claim of a military family that the Rev's demonstration at their son's funeral caused them harm. We'll see what the Supremes have to say.

My guess is, the Justices will uphold the Phlegms' wanton and intentionally cruel displays of prejudice, all in the name of nothing more than getting cheap publicity for their buffoonery, as Free Speech.

However, I suspect the Highest Court will view the Rev Phlegm and his followers with far less tolerance.

More Blago Blogging

Friends from out of state are wondering what we have in our water in Springfield that turns our politicians into crooks.

My theory is that you have to be just a little crooked to even think about going into politics, especially in Illinois where the Statehouse is regarded as one large trough consistently filled with taxpayer money that's free for the taking. Or so it appears once the new pols first step through the capitol building doors.

Perhaps it's something in the air, not the water. You get elected and somehow you become more susceptible to the bribery/fraud/theft germs that swirl around Springfield. Maybe it's like Legionaire's Disease or that sick building bacteria. Maybe it's just what happens to politicians when they get too close to someone else's money.

So what to do about Gov Blago? What to do, what to do?

He won't resign. That's a given. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

He probably won't shoot himself. While convenient for everyone (except his kids) I'm not advocating that idea. Although a Dr. Kevorkian seen walking up to the front door of the Gov's home would make for an interesting bit of news tape.

Asking the legislature to impeach Blago is a little like asking a third grade class to do it. They'll run around and poke each other and make a lot of noise but, ehhhh, it ain't gonna happen. I think there's been one impeachment proceeding in the last hundred years in Illinois. Not quite a glorious track record. Plus our lieutenant governor thinks it would be "bad" for the state. I'm not quite sure how it could be any worse than having our sitting governor arrested but maybe Pat Quinn thinks that an impeachment proceeding might bring other wrongdoing out of the woodwork. Such things have been known to happen during criminal trials; who knows what other schemes might come to light during an impeachment hearing. That ups what cops refer to as the "pucker factor" quite severely in Springfield. And we certainly don't want any puckered politicos.

Another and more practical issue for the impeachment crowd to consider, like a trial judge, the legislators will need evidence. Where's that going to come from? Surely not from the FBI or the U.S. Attorney. Never known as willing to share their toys, they are busily building their own criminal cases against The Hair.

Which leaves the untested maneuver that Attorney General Lisa Madigan has spoken of to all in televisionland who will listen; she could ask the Illinois Supreme Court to rule that Governor Blagojevich is unfit to govern. That might actually work but let's think politically for a moment. It's rumored Madigan, daughter of the Speaker of the House and perhaps the wisest man in Springfield, would like to be Governor herself someday. By getting rid of Blago, she places Pat Quinn in the office until the next election, giving him two golden years of experience he could use against her in 2010. Is she willing to place the state's well-being before her own political wishes?

Personally, I agree with my friend Mel that we guide our governor into a field somewhere and allow anyone who wishes to do so to throw rocks at him for an afternoon. Perhaps a couple knocks on the head would realign his brain cells into some semblance of order.

Other than that, we'll just have to wait and see. Who knows, there may be a real statesman out there who will come up with just the right idea.

In time for Christmas, perhaps?