A double murder-suicide in Wilmette yesterday.
It's a tragic story, made even more so by the fact the shooter had committed a previous murder. He was convicted and served fifteen years for killing his first wife back in the late 80's. According to the Tribune, in fact, he stabbed her almost two dozen times. The former states attorney who prosecuted him is quoted as saying the guy, "gave me chills."
Contrast that with the impression this guy gave the pastor of his church who described him as a "friendly man with a good sense of humor" who the church family, "welcomed and loved."
That's what chills me the most. And something tells me the members of the church are feeling that chill even more so as they remember and mourn this family.
I blogged awhile back about how crime victims often ignore warning signs of danger and violence, especially in domestic situations. In this case, I strongly suspect those warning signs were evident not only to the wife and her son, but to others.
In fact, the couple's pastor is quoted in the Tribune as saying she asked the wife several times over the years if she felt safe living with him. The pastor would not divulge why she asked. I'm going to guess she sensed trouble but probably could not pursuade the wife to take decisive action. There were no police reports of previous contact with the family.
Crimes like this do not occur without plenty of history behind them. Plenty of opportunities for the victim, their loved ones and their friends to sense something is wrong, perhaps dangerously so.
Problem is, we don't want to believe the evil we sense in someone we like. We certainly don't want to acknowledge it in someone we love. And society tells us to keep our mouths shut when it comes to offering advice based on our intuition about a friend's relationship. Even a close friend.
I'm not casting blame. One thing I learned as a cop and then as a journalist covering crime is that it's nearly impossible to pursuade a victim of abuse to leave their abuser if they're not ready to go.
But there are avenues of escape, beginning with professional counselors, even the police and womens' shelters when circumstances warrant.
Pay attention to your intuition. Encourage your friends to pay attention to theirs as well.
A little paranoia never hurt anyone.
2 comments:
I have been in an abusive relationship for a year but we have been married for two years.
Like I was supposed to know it was going to happnem? How does that work?
The popular opinion that is that anyone could become a "victim" of an abusive relationship and these happen completely without warning.
There are warning signs that are well outlined in Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear". Someone does not suddenly become abusive. It is a longstanding pattern that can be recognized.
Unfortunately, there is just not enough information that is disseminated to women about what to look for and our culture romanticizes persistence and not taking no for an answer (read stalking).
Movies show the guy getting the girl in the end when she can no longer resist his repeated advances. It is just sad that we do this to ourselves as a culture.
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