On Not Being Bullied.

Kids in school loved what happened when they punched me. I would wail, "Stop it, that HURTS!" and cower in a corner. After years of taking the abuse, however, I started hitting back. And kept doing so until I neutralized the threat.

I'm not a parent but from the perspective of a former victim and ex-cop, here are some thoughts about dealing with bullies.

1. Don't just tell your kids to fight back, teach them how. Yes, the Bible encourages us to turn the other cheek, but it also tells the story of Elisha who cursed his bullies in the name of the Lord and saw them mauled by bears. If you don't know how to fight, find someone who does. Metropolitan areas have martial arts schools on every corner. In smaller towns, ask law enforcement who trained them. Go online. Competency in any sport helps build a child's confidence. Call your park district. Check into boxing or wrestling clubs.

2. Kids shouldn't have to fight alone. My parents were halfhearted at best in their protests to the school and, frankly, schools are only part of the equation and will often deny responsibility. Telling a child who has been bullied "suck it up" because that's what your dad ordered you to do isn't good enough. Neither is moving them from campus to campus. Become your child's advocate. Listen to what they say. More importantly, watch for signs of what they aren't telling you, specifically anxiety about going to school or a group event, depression, self abuse (cutting themselves, for example) or talk of suicide. Encourage them to be frank and open about the problem; don't punish or ignore them when they speak up. Take the time to be sympathetic. Trust them.

3. Use the information they give you to alert their school to the problem. And keep alerting, every time bullying occurs. Document injuries. Talk to school counselors first, administrators next. If the school refuses to react, take the problem to the school board or the superintendent of schools for your district. Talk to an attorney, the police or even the local media. Speak up and make a case for your child. Just as bullies are cowards and fear exposure, schools are like any bureaucracy: they're afraid of lawsuits and bad publicity.

4. Don't blame your child for the problem. You may not approve of their tastes in music or clothes or even their lifestyle, but do they deserve black eyes and bruises from their peers for their alternative beliefs? A child who is victimized for wearing dark clothing or just being "weird" at school may also be a victim at home...and not necessarily of direct abuse. How's your drinking, Mom? How much time do you spend at the office, Dad? Look at your relationship with your kids. If they bring you a problem do you try to help them? Do you work with them on it, solve it for them, or brush them off? Do you drop them at the mall or the game arcade so you can enjoy an evening out or do you find appropriate activities for them? Do you pay attention to, and enjoy, your children or do you ignore them? I'm not talking about love, here. Do you like your kids? Do you have fun and get a kick out of spending time with them? Do you support them? Do they know it?

5. Read all you can about the problem of bullying. If you don't know where to start, here is a Chicago Tribune article that may open your eyes to the problem:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-bullying-01-jul01,0,3476.story

Bullying is not one of those, "Oh Bobby will grow out of it" issues.
As the Tribune article illustrates, your bullied child may not live long enough to have that luxury.
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Here are some websites with helpful information:

http://www.theprotectors.org/Protectors_Lesson_Sample.pdf

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/bullies.html#

http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/

http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/HHS_PSA/pdfs/SBN_Tip_7.pdf

Bullied, Battered and Bloody

A Chicago Tribune article yesterday got me thinking.

From about age six to age eleven, I was a victim.

Bullies beat me up on my way to school. They pushed me into chairs and lockers between classes. They lay in wait for me afterward, too. Even a girl I had an enormous crush on helped them with a neat trick called "tripped by the dog." She dropped to her knees behind me so a couple of my tormentors could shove me backward over her.

Fed up with my bruises, my headaches, my fears of walking or riding my bike to and from school and elsewhere, my parents sent me away to summer camp. Unfortunately, they didn't consider who some of the other campers might be. Those two summers were hell.

It wasn't until boarding school that I brought the bullying to a halt.

A kid shoved me down a flight of stairs one day, hurting me so badly I had to go to the hospital. Actually I faked most of the injury because I thought I could get a ride in an ambulance (which I did) and out of doing homework (which I didn't). The next day he shouldered me into a wall. I remember the searing white anger that propelled me to punch him twice, trip him, and then smash his head into the floor. I did such a good job that a teacher came up to me later, shook my hand and asked me how it felt not to be a crybaby any longer.

It felt pretty good. So good I started reacting the same way each time I was attacked. I added screaming as an additional weapon. Not the thin little pitiful whines of before but the sort of sounds I imagined Sergeant Rock from my favorite comics would make. I took a brick to one kid and a dumbbell from my brothers' weight set to another. And that's where it stopped.

They thought I was nuts. I went looking for fights. So the bullies made friends with me instead.

And no, becoming a whack-job is not the moral of this story or what I'd suggest to kids of today who face the same kind of turmoil I did. But it sure helps.

More on fighting back tomorrow.