Denial is a tough subject to write about and I welcome any feedback you might have about the situation I'm going to outline.
I know a young man of ten who is fascinated by guns. He reads about them. Any time he goes to the library or a bookstore he demands to get books or magazines about them. He sketches pictures of them. He talks about them. This young man was brought up with two older sisters who torment him ceaselessly. From what I'm led to understand, his mother and father didn't realize he couldn't read or write until he was about eight years old even though he is a student in a well-regarded private school. Remedial help is now being given but he is described as withdrawn and very angry. Cousins choose not to play with him because he is so angry and acts so childlike.
His mother allows him and his sisters to leave toys and clothes heaped on the floors of not only their rooms but their bathroom as well. In fact, two rooms of their large, expansive home are now so filled with junk they are impassable.
Their mother is strict with them, but secretive with the rest of the family. No one knows their daily routines, their vacation schedules or even what they do for recreation day to day. Phone messages are often answered by email several days later. All of the children are reported to be on medication of some sort; the ten year old takes eleven or twelve pills a day but his mother will not tell anyone what the pills do or if, indeed, they have been proscribed by a doctor or are over-the-counter.
Through all of this, his mother is oblivious. Suggestions by relatives go unheeded. Questions about the children are unanswered. The father responds, "I don't know" to most inquiries about the family, even basic ones.
Grandparents are not willing to take any action whatsoever.
The CIA could use these folks in a training video about clandestine living.
I've been asked to visit with the little boy on occasion. I know quite a bit about firearms that I could probably teach to him on a ten-year-old level. I also know quite a bit about how angry little boys with a fascination for weapons and violence can grow up and do things that shock their families. Frequently they are said to have "just snapped" although professionals will tell you they have been well-trained throughout their childhood to behave just that way.
Should I talk with this child about firearms and teach him not only the good but the bad things that can happen? Or should I find another way to interact with him? I don't know much about dealing with kids though I know a great deal about what some of them have done. I don't want any of that to touch him or his family.
Any ideas from you moms and dads and assorted professionals out there?
Showing posts with label spending time with kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spending time with kids. Show all posts
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
On Not Being Bullied.
Kids in school loved what happened when they punched me. I would wail, "Stop it, that HURTS!" and cower in a corner. After years of taking the abuse, however, I started hitting back. And kept doing so until I neutralized the threat.
I'm not a parent but from the perspective of a former victim and ex-cop, here are some thoughts about dealing with bullies.
1. Don't just tell your kids to fight back, teach them how. Yes, the Bible encourages us to turn the other cheek, but it also tells the story of Elisha who cursed his bullies in the name of the Lord and saw them mauled by bears. If you don't know how to fight, find someone who does. Metropolitan areas have martial arts schools on every corner. In smaller towns, ask law enforcement who trained them. Go online. Competency in any sport helps build a child's confidence. Call your park district. Check into boxing or wrestling clubs.
2. Kids shouldn't have to fight alone. My parents were halfhearted at best in their protests to the school and, frankly, schools are only part of the equation and will often deny responsibility. Telling a child who has been bullied "suck it up" because that's what your dad ordered you to do isn't good enough. Neither is moving them from campus to campus. Become your child's advocate. Listen to what they say. More importantly, watch for signs of what they aren't telling you, specifically anxiety about going to school or a group event, depression, self abuse (cutting themselves, for example) or talk of suicide. Encourage them to be frank and open about the problem; don't punish or ignore them when they speak up. Take the time to be sympathetic. Trust them.
3. Use the information they give you to alert their school to the problem. And keep alerting, every time bullying occurs. Document injuries. Talk to school counselors first, administrators next. If the school refuses to react, take the problem to the school board or the superintendent of schools for your district. Talk to an attorney, the police or even the local media. Speak up and make a case for your child. Just as bullies are cowards and fear exposure, schools are like any bureaucracy: they're afraid of lawsuits and bad publicity.
4. Don't blame your child for the problem. You may not approve of their tastes in music or clothes or even their lifestyle, but do they deserve black eyes and bruises from their peers for their alternative beliefs? A child who is victimized for wearing dark clothing or just being "weird" at school may also be a victim at home...and not necessarily of direct abuse. How's your drinking, Mom? How much time do you spend at the office, Dad? Look at your relationship with your kids. If they bring you a problem do you try to help them? Do you work with them on it, solve it for them, or brush them off? Do you drop them at the mall or the game arcade so you can enjoy an evening out or do you find appropriate activities for them? Do you pay attention to, and enjoy, your children or do you ignore them? I'm not talking about love, here. Do you like your kids? Do you have fun and get a kick out of spending time with them? Do you support them? Do they know it?
5. Read all you can about the problem of bullying. If you don't know where to start, here is a Chicago Tribune article that may open your eyes to the problem:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-bullying-01-jul01,0,3476.story
Bullying is not one of those, "Oh Bobby will grow out of it" issues.
As the Tribune article illustrates, your bullied child may not live long enough to have that luxury.
---------
Here are some websites with helpful information:
http://www.theprotectors.org/Protectors_Lesson_Sample.pdf
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/bullies.html#
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/HHS_PSA/pdfs/SBN_Tip_7.pdf
I'm not a parent but from the perspective of a former victim and ex-cop, here are some thoughts about dealing with bullies.
1. Don't just tell your kids to fight back, teach them how. Yes, the Bible encourages us to turn the other cheek, but it also tells the story of Elisha who cursed his bullies in the name of the Lord and saw them mauled by bears. If you don't know how to fight, find someone who does. Metropolitan areas have martial arts schools on every corner. In smaller towns, ask law enforcement who trained them. Go online. Competency in any sport helps build a child's confidence. Call your park district. Check into boxing or wrestling clubs.
2. Kids shouldn't have to fight alone. My parents were halfhearted at best in their protests to the school and, frankly, schools are only part of the equation and will often deny responsibility. Telling a child who has been bullied "suck it up" because that's what your dad ordered you to do isn't good enough. Neither is moving them from campus to campus. Become your child's advocate. Listen to what they say. More importantly, watch for signs of what they aren't telling you, specifically anxiety about going to school or a group event, depression, self abuse (cutting themselves, for example) or talk of suicide. Encourage them to be frank and open about the problem; don't punish or ignore them when they speak up. Take the time to be sympathetic. Trust them.
3. Use the information they give you to alert their school to the problem. And keep alerting, every time bullying occurs. Document injuries. Talk to school counselors first, administrators next. If the school refuses to react, take the problem to the school board or the superintendent of schools for your district. Talk to an attorney, the police or even the local media. Speak up and make a case for your child. Just as bullies are cowards and fear exposure, schools are like any bureaucracy: they're afraid of lawsuits and bad publicity.
4. Don't blame your child for the problem. You may not approve of their tastes in music or clothes or even their lifestyle, but do they deserve black eyes and bruises from their peers for their alternative beliefs? A child who is victimized for wearing dark clothing or just being "weird" at school may also be a victim at home...and not necessarily of direct abuse. How's your drinking, Mom? How much time do you spend at the office, Dad? Look at your relationship with your kids. If they bring you a problem do you try to help them? Do you work with them on it, solve it for them, or brush them off? Do you drop them at the mall or the game arcade so you can enjoy an evening out or do you find appropriate activities for them? Do you pay attention to, and enjoy, your children or do you ignore them? I'm not talking about love, here. Do you like your kids? Do you have fun and get a kick out of spending time with them? Do you support them? Do they know it?
5. Read all you can about the problem of bullying. If you don't know where to start, here is a Chicago Tribune article that may open your eyes to the problem:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-bullying-01-jul01,0,3476.story
Bullying is not one of those, "Oh Bobby will grow out of it" issues.
As the Tribune article illustrates, your bullied child may not live long enough to have that luxury.
---------
Here are some websites with helpful information:
http://www.theprotectors.org/Protectors_Lesson_Sample.pdf
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/bullies.html#
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/
http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/HHS_PSA/pdfs/SBN_Tip_7.pdf
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