Where's My Million Dollar Office?

First this disclaimer: I am not, never was and likely never will be Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.

The only chance for me to get the job of Speaker will be if Future President Palin asks me to serve. By then, she will have suspended all elections and be appointing lackeys to various posts to make it "look" like we have a functioning representational government. I'm sure she will allow me to lackey from home three days a week.

For a million dollars worth of retirement office, I could lackey with the best of them. I have references from past employers.

That office is what I really want. And the **Perks** that come with it. I figure I'll lackey a year, then slide down the slush fund highway to my retirement.

Former Speaker Denis Hastert has his million dollar **Perk** retirement office out in Yorkville. Funding is mandated by Congress. According to the Chicago Tribune this morning, former Speakers have been awarded **Perks** by the taxpayers since 1959.

According to the Tribune, with that simple and austere looking office comes a rent payment each month to his cronies, retirement jobs for the staff who served him so nobly for years (among other things, a hundred G a year for a secretary...hmmm...wonder how full-time wink wink that job is. Maybe I'd rather be a retired Speaker's secretary), a vehicle, money to throw at other former cronies for "consulting work," plus all expenses paid for **Perks** like Comcast and Direct TV.

All this for a guy who charges $25,000 to give a speech. Of course, he can't use his retirement office or his retirement staff of junior lackeys or any of his **Perk** computers or **Perk** Blackberries to arrange those. He also can't use the funds or the office to help him in the lobbying work he does for a couple of minor foreign countries. Noble statesman that he is, I'm sure he abides by those rules. **Perks** only stretch so far. Cough cough.

I promise I won't charge 25G to give a speech. Once I lackey, then retire and move into my new **Perk** office, I will stay the same humble guy I am now. My fee for speech-giving will remain at a few hundred bucks, a nice tray of cookies and some flat soft drinks.

What I'll really want to do is spend time in my **Perk** retirement office. Perhaps I'll hand out **Perks** to some of my cronies, too. I'll need a staff of course. A vehicle. And consultants.

Maybe one of them can be former Illinois Speaker of the House George Ryan. Old Speakers need to hang together and George loved it when I worked in Springfield and hummed "George of the Jungle" whenever he walked into the statehouse press room. George is living in his retirement office at public expense right now but I hear it's not as plush as Denny's and he wants out to tend to his ailing wife.

If he and Lura Lynn last that long, I'm sure President Palin will grant him his wish. Then he can go to work for me and we can both spend our days watching TV in my austere **Perk** retirement office.

I wonder if the **Perks** for a retired Speaker include more than basic cable? We'll for sure want to catch the reruns of Prison Break.