Ignoring the Warning Signs...And Paying For It

Yesterday, I wrote about the seemingly innocent actions people take that may walk them into a world of hurt.

Dana King's comments, posted after yesterday's blog, are right on point. Take a look. They're worth reading.

While we have the right to do many things, leaving our blinds open and parking wherever we choose among them, that entitlement comes with a price. Predators consider our innocence as opportunity. Where we see an unlocked door as a family convenience, they see an invitation to enter and steal. Or worse.

Crime is not random. It follows a pre-cast set of circumstances. We play right into that by ducking our heads and not watching the world around us.

Domestic violence often occurs for the same reason.

I'll use a college friend's experience as an example.

Sheri began dating a guy who all of us thought was terrific. Within weeks of meeting, bang! they got enagaged. They scheduled the wedding a few months later. Every time we got together, he seemed to be the life of the party, though they partied with us less and less the longer they remained a couple.

The night they returned from their honeymoon, he beat her and threw her down a flight of stairs, blackening both eyes, breaking three of her ribs and leaving her with a concussion.

We were shocked. He must have just snapped, we said. Must have been drunk.

Turned out, he wasn't drunk and the warning signs had been there all along. In our innocence, even though many of us were cops and prosecutors, we missed them. He was a clever predator; none of us saw through him. Except Sheri.

She told me later she sensed the storm approaching but just didn't take cover. She thought the lightning and thunder would pass.

She said he started acting strangely right after their engagement.

He insisted she stay at home rather than spending time with her friends and family. That she drop off her dog with her parents and leave it there. That she leave grocery shopping, and even answering the phone, to him. He shoved her away when she noticed a picture of his ex-girlfriend in his wallet. During an argument, he broke a ceramic figurine she loved. He took sexual roughousing to painful extremes. On their honeymoon, he was verbally abusive to the hotel staff, to the point of chasing a maid out of their room when she walked in as they were having sex. He snapped at Sheri when she told him he was acting unreasonably.

Sheri said nothing about her fiancee's behavior to anyone else because he always apologized after every nastiness. Brought flowers and other gifts for her. Left a huge tip for the room maid and the restaurant servers he regularly abused.

She thought something was wrong but convinced herself she was crazy.

One of the nation's leading experts in predicting violent behavior, Gavin deBecker, offers the example of a woman who sees an edgy looking guy on an elevator she wants to use. He makes her very nervous but she gets on anyway, thinking herself foolish for being fearful.

Warning signs ignored. Precautions not taken. Trouble's approach denied.

Do we draw from this that Sheri is partly to blame for what happened to her? Of course not.

No more than the drunk guy who parked in the bad neighborhood should be blamed for being beaten up and car-jacked. No more than the woman who gets on the elevator.

It's not about blame or fault or guilt or even "paying the price of stupidity" as some would argue.
The penalty for marrying a manipulative and abusive jerk should be divorce, never two black eyes and broken ribs.

It's about warning signs ignored. Precautions not taken. Trouble's approach denied.

Later this week, I'll offer some thoughts on becoming more alert to the warning signs of victimization and violence and how to, as my friend Dana pointed out in his comments yesterday, "think the extra steps down the road when making a decision."

I've also invited a guest blogger to discuss the elements that need to exist for violence to occur.

Stay tuned!